Keeping the Circle Small
When Church Leadership Wants You to Shut Up
Between a Wednesday and a Sunday, the church prayer chain swirls wicked and a family (mine on this particular occasion) is shown the door. I am always amazed at how quickly those holy women work to get the news from one end of the chain to the next. The work of prayer is super mysterious that way.
It only took four days, and they were whispering behind their hands, blissed out at this new development.
There is nothing the Christian lady mob loves more than blood in the water. Especially good Christian girl blood… they thrive on the stuff. I’m convinced the blood in the water helps them maintain their youth. I think those spiritual vampires drink it.
By week two, I had an incredibly awkward exchange with my pastor which made it very clear he was aware… but wasn’t going to ask me a question (Love asks the question?). He was going to turn his face from what came next.
By week three, the phone was hauntingly silent.
By week four, one of the flying monkeys let me know I had lost a roommate for a woman’s retreat where I was supposed to lead worship.
By the time the retreat rolled around, I spent the majority of my time silently alone… resting in my room (4 months pregnant), trying to lead worship among a crowd of vipers and being watched at every single turn.
Those wise church women turned their faces from me too.
I was ostracized and silenced.
Exactly as those women intended.
And then in the weeks to follow, the ominous warnings came from the women in leadership reminding me to “keep the circle small.” It was a veiled threat meant to remind me to keep my mouth shut. Keep the circle of information to a minimum. Don’t tell people what you know or there will be consequences. I had witnessed the consequences. They really didn’t want the truth getting out.
Did you know that according to research, 1 in 3 people experience some type of religious trauma at some point in their life? (Slade, et al., 2023). This same study estimates this number to actually be higher at 10 to 15%.
What is religious trauma?
“Religious trauma results from an event, series of events, relationships, or circumstances within or connected to religious beliefs, practices, or structures that is experienced by an individual as overwhelming or disruptive and has lasting adverse effects on a person’s physical, mental, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being." (North American Committee on Religious Trauma Research (NACRTR), 2020, www.gccr.org)
Did you also know that January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness month?
I am a victim and perpetrator of spiritual abuse.
Caught you with that claim, didn’t I?
As a Christian good girl who sat at couches of authority and permission…
As a former Evangelical darling with access to people and information and prayer rooms…
I am not only a victim of horrific spiritual manipulation, neglect, and abuse but I also was a perpetrator of spiritual violence as instructed.
I was a church pitbull for female leadership as needed and required. Not only am I one of the abused, but I am also a former flying monkey. I fulfilled what was needed and asked of me by those prayer chain warriors.
And I lived the consequences of noncompliance and going rogue.
“Keeping the circle small” is Spiritual Abuse 101. It is an essential tool used to protect the mission, vision, and values of evangelical churches and leadership.
The protection of the pack of believers and the core leadership is an ingrained priority of churched folks. When someone is non-compliant, they do everything possible to eliminate that threat to the community.
I am a villain in someone’s story as a tool in someone else’s campaign of power and greed and keeping secrets.
I had to learn how to live with what I had become in the name of corporate worship as I faced deconstructing every aspect of my faith.
I was a tool. A well-used instrument for harm. That reality hurt.
Many of us who were abused by church leaders and their followers experienced isolation, fear, shame, and ostracism. We were lied to and about. They made up some really fabulous stories to justify my personal removal. We suffered depression, anxiety, panic attacks and more because separation from a body of believers that insists you need them in order to be whole with Jesus can be brutally traumatic once removed.
Are we now also isolated from God? If they don’t want us… if I’m not good enough among his people, does he still see me?
BUT it’s a whole other level of deconstruction to also begin the process of dismantling the ways in which we have harmed others in Jesus’ name. We, who were encouraged to perpetuate spiritual and emotional violence against others, also need to recognize post church that this too is spiritual abuse.
When a part of being included in the group is to commit spiritual violence against others, this is abuse.
When the power wielders’ acceptance of us is dependent on “keeping the circle small” as a part of the faithful mob, this is a form of abuse.
If they isolate and traumatize you, speaking false narratives about you when you stop participating, that too is abuse.
If you ask questions and their reaction is to discredit your voice, shame your life, and perpetuate lies to contain the potential damage those answers could stir…that’s abuse.
I’m a former member of the church circles.
And I’m not done with it yet.
Telling the truth is an essential step to breaking the small circles’ cycles. And I’m all about cycle breaking these days. It’s my thing.
It’s gonna get messy in here.
J.