Remember those 1990s middle school boys who were holy little terrors of harm to their female peers? They pulled our bra straps. Commented on our developing breasts. Grabbed our butts. Asked inappropriate questions about sex. Gave us nicknames that stuck. Pulled our hair. Laughed and mocked and bullied the nerd girls, the ugly girls, the smart girls, the chubby girls, the girls they had a “crush” on, and anyone else they thought they had a right to laugh about all the damn time.
I knew one nasty little boy in Small Town, Pennsylvania, USA named Jeremy Graham who thought it was funny with all his little white boy friends to ask a girl, “Is that blood on your pants?” I was terrified to stand up in class and I hadn’t even started my period yet. I was terrified to speak. And NO ONE stopped them. I can still hear their mocking laughter.
Now those same boys are grownup men in social media comments saying the nastiest, most entitled sh!t directed at women.
I’ve been called a “slob,” “not all that pretty,” “a groomer,” “a misandrist,” “bitter,” “stupid,” “emotional,” “arrogant” - for having an opinion, and more.
While we often complain about those white, cis male Boomers, it’s not always a Boomer - sometimes it’s his sons.
The Bear
There’s a little commentary going around this week that if a woman had to choose between being trapped with a bear or an unknown man, she’d choose the bear. And the males of our species are offended. Like so offended because “not all men” and women are meanies too.
Sigh.
Every single time I write about mansplaining… I get a bunch of men crying in the comments about it not being real, how I’ve hurt their feelings, or I should die.
It escalates quickly from “I disagree” to “You are a fat whore who doesn’t know what she is talking about.” It’s like they can’t see how they prove the point. 🤯
There is plenty of data to back up why women would maybe not want to be trapped or even alone with a man they do not know. Heck, there are plenty of men I do know that I wouldn’t want to be trapped anywhere near.
Every single one of us grew up with that uncle or dad or neighbor or pastor or teacher or coach who was an absolute creep and also happened to be male. Some of these winners have kidnapped and chained women up in their basements.
We have reasons for not wanting to chill with a strange man that is perfectly justified. Instead of policing women’s tone and attitudes towards some imaginary man, perhaps men should start checking each other. The stats are pretty obvious…chances are you know a woman who has been sexually assaulted or raped or molested or sexually harassed AND chances are you also know a man who has done one of the above to women.
We can’t blame all male sexual misconduct on Larry in upstate New York. (Sorry about that, Larry)
Misandrist
Calling women “misandrists” is a newish trend. Previously we were just “man-haters.” Now, that they’ve Googled “misandrist” and listened to Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate…they are leveling up with the big words.
Here’s the thing, some folks researched those man-hating feminists and it turns out we don’t hate men. We are just over it. We don’t think everything you have to say is all that important, Christopher. And just because you believe you have a right to be heard doesn’t mean I have to sit here and listen.
The Misandry Myth* - the belief that feminists hate men is not true. Research has shown that many live under this false assumption when the reality is that feminists tend to like men as much as any other group.
“The present findings reveal that feminists’ attitudes toward men are broadly positive and broadly similar to other people's attitudes toward men” (Hopkins-Doyle, et al., 2023)
It’s not like hate against men - or violence against men is a cultural phenomenon that we need to protect men from…
They don’t have to walk in groups at night
They don’t need someone to watch their drinks so they can use the bathroom.
They don’t have to text a friend with their date’s info “just in case”
A man pays for dinner and most of us women aren’t expecting sex
It’s not women being accused of sending unsolicited dick pics, fellows.
A short skirt is just a short skirt when a man wears it. When a woman wears a short skirt, she should expect to be accused of “asking for it.”
How many men carry rape whistles? Or pepper spray on their key chains?
Do men take self-defense classes to teach them how to defend themselves against other men?
When a man tells a woman he has a girlfriend to stop her advances… does he have to worry about her punching him in the face or stalking him to his car or calling her calling him names because she can’t handle rejection?
When men say “not all men,” well, who the hell is raping 1 in 4 women?* It can’t be just one guy in Ohio. And yes, we know - men can and have been raped too? How many of those acts of violence have also been perpetrated by MEN?
Let’s Talk About Stats, Baby
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) against pregnant women is considered a “significant public health issue.”* According to the World Health Organization, 1 in 3 women in the world experience intimate partner violence. “The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) says that 1 in 6 abused women is first abused during pregnancy. More than 320,000 women are abused by their partners during pregnancy each year” (March of Dimes).*
“Women in the U.S. who are pregnant or who have recently given birth are more likely to be murdered than to die from obstetric causes—and these homicides are linked to a deadly mix of intimate partner violence and firearms” (Lawn & Koenen, 2023)."*
Can we sit here for a minute? It’s not “all men”… but your colleagues and friends are beating and killing their pregnant partners. Who’s afraid of a bear when you got a man at home to maul you to death?
Women continue to face serious challenges in the workforce. Pew Research found that 42% of women reported discrimination in the workplace.* In McKinsey and Co.’s annual report, “Women in the Workplace 2023,” the data shows women of color continue to be under-represented in the workplace."* This report also highlights the lasting impact of microaggressions on a woman’s career - which women of color have been telling us for years.
In a company I worked for the white, cis, male Boomer COO asked me, “Why did you go back to get your MBA anyways?” His tone was not one of inquisitive wondering… it was incredulous man vomit. I asked in return with snark, “Why the fuck did you get yours, R.?”
Simply because a man is in a position of authority within an organization does not mean he is inherently good or inherently wise. He would call himself, “A nice guy.” I still can’t figure out what that man did for his job besides harassing all the women working below him. He’s also the reason a male peer was making +30k more than me, but pay inequity for the load of work a woman is expected to do in an office setting is a whole other conversation.
Men also accuse their wives of not wanting to have sex with them. Husbands complain to anyone who will listen that she’s a “nag” or “I do the yardwork” when she asks for “help” around the house or a woman dares to question the imbalance in the household workload. She’s exhausted and overwhelmed carrying the mental load, kid load, workload, and chore load - the last thing she wants with the partner she has to drag across the finish line every week - is a few minutes of jack rabbiting hip thrusts and mouth breathing from her man.
“Women who reported that they performed a large proportion of household labor relative to their partner were signifcantly more likely to perceive their partners as dependent on them to keep the household functioning, and this in turn was associated with signifcantly lower desire for their partner. These findings support the heteronormativity theory, which states that inequities in household labor can lead to a blurring of mother and partner roles, and that feeling like a partner’s mother is not conducive to desire” (Harris, Gormezano, & Anders, 2022, p. 3865).
In other words, she feels like your mom because you treat her like your mom therefore she does not want to touch your peen.
If a man has never acknowledged how this reality exists for women, doing the work of recognizing their own inherent bias, and microaggressions then he shows up in our comment threads, or in our DMs with a whole lot to say about misandry and the bear. He might think he is a “nice guy,” but frankly he’s a bit of an entitled jackass.
Mansplaining 101
You know where I learned to keep my mouth shut in spaces that don’t belong to me? At tables with people of color. As a white woman, a lot of places are not mine to speak into and I need to be respectful of that truth. It’s best if I practice silence and active listening. I’ve learned a lot about my bias and inherited racism… by being still and listening to women of color even when it is painful. They routinely kick my ass. I need it.
We need more men to take a chair at the side of the room, observe, and be still. Hey. Here’s a thought - maybe ask permission before entering the room. Male voices are almost always given first billing - especially the cis white guys. They lose nothing by taking a chair and being quiet. There is a difference between being told to shut up and being asked to be still and listen. We gain much by being teachable and respectful and owning shit.
But you can’t tell them they should be still. That pisses the poor fellows off.
Mansplaining is this not-so-new default pattern that men take up when interacting. It’s frustrating and rude in person. It’s rampant and ugly online. Because online when a woman pushes back… men hide behind anonymous accounts and use vile language up to and including promoting physical/sexual violence when their position is questioned. In real life, they physically intimidate and punish. Online… they vomit words.
The reality that men need to face is that MEN are the number one predators of women. It isn’t the bear or lions or tigers or sharks… it’s men. So, every encounter with a stranger has the potential to be dangerous and life-threatening for us.
While y’all are shouting, “Misandry. Misandrist. Manhaters. Feminists. Lesbian. Whores. Sluts. Fat slobs and losers“…
We are simply trying to get to our cars and homes safely, enjoy the woods or the beach alone, or workout in peace. It’s your male friends, neighbors, brothers, uncles, fathers, sons, and gym bros who are a threat to our right to live.
I am NOT a misandrist. I am simply tired of your shit.
J.
*References:
Hopkins-Doyle, A., Petterson, A. L., Leach, S., Zibell, H., Chobthamkit, P., Binti Abdul Rahim, S., Blake, J., Bosco, C., Cherrie-Rees, K., Beadle, A., Cock, V., Greer, H., Jankowska, A., Macdonald, K., Scott English, A., Wai Lan YEUNG, V., Asano, R., Beattie, P., I. Bernardo, A. B., . . . Sutton, R. M. (2023). The Misandry Myth: An Inaccurate Stereotype About Feminists’ Attitudes Toward Men. Psychology of Women Quarterly. https://doi.org/10.1177/03616843231202708
“The Perception Paradox: Men Who Hate Feminists Think Feminists Hate Men.” Msmagazine.com
National Sexual Violence Resource Center - Statistics
Agarwal, S., Prasad, R., Mantri, S., Chandrakar, R., Gupta, S., Babhulkar, V., Srivastav, S., Jaiswal, A., & Wanjari, M. B. (2023). A Comprehensive Review of Intimate Partner Violence During Pregnancy and Its Adverse Effects on Maternal and Fetal Health. Cureus, 15(5). https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.39262
Abuse During Pregnancy - March of Dimes
“Homicide is the Leading Cause of Death for Pregnant Women in the U.S.” quoting Lawn & Koenen
Parker & Funk, (2017). “Gender Discrimination Comes in Many Forms For Today’s Working Women.” PewResearch.org.
“Women in the Workplace 2023.” McKinsey & Company.
Harris, E. A., Gormezano, A. M., & van Anders, S. M. (2022). Gender Inequities in Household Labor Predict Lower Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men. Archives of sexual behavior, 51(8), 3847–3870. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2