When Time Does Not Heal All Wounds
or The Prodigal Daughters and Sons of Evangelical Forgiveness
Forgiveness, as a concept in the US Evangelical Christianity of my youth, was a tool used to encourage us to “make it right” and be at peace with others. We learned from an early age what God expected of his followers. We were to extend forgiveness and mercy to one another in Jesus’ name because ultimately that is what God the Father offers humankind - forgiveness.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32
But after 30 years in Christian circles, I witnessed the truth of our collective beliefs - time does not heal all wounds, those wise grownups hold grudges, and the victims of violence are rarely protected.
A part of deconstructing faith is evaluating and being honest about the histories of our families - both our faith family and biological family. This evaluation includes understanding what cycles we inherited and what beliefs we hold as true. These closer inspections can be painful. Sometimes we hold to a belief merely because we have been told this is what we should believe. We inherit an understanding of the world because we are born in a time, place, family, and community that hold to certain “truths.”
I inherited a handbook of beliefs that no longer fit me.
Simply because it has always been the way it has always been for my people does not mean I have to take it up and carry it as my own. It’s ok to set down the things that do not fit. It’s ok to release the future generations that come from me - from the burden of bearing evangelical rightness.
And also, their stories about forgiveness are kinda horse sh!t.
The Prodigal Son’s and Daughter’s Of Evangelical Faith
In my time as a Christian person (something I have not been for a long time), I witnessed repeated testimonies and stories of prodigal sons and daughters returning from their lives of hedonism and unbelief. They returned to their mothers and fathers full of repentance and shame. And because those parents were so forgiving - as long as their prodigal children submitted to right beliefs and a life of repentance - they are welcomed with forgiveness and open arms.
We heard their testimonies from church platforms and baptismal tanks.
I’ve also witnessed numerous parents ostracising and casting out from their homes and lives these same types of prodigal children for their sexual identity, unbelief, and other things their parents claim as sin because the Book of Right Belief has always defined how parents should extend love and forgiveness into their homes.
This forgiveness and acceptance is not extended to everyone. The love of god and his people is consistently conditional. That condition is compliance with the Jesus Narrative. Repentance first. Wide-open doors later.
Deconstructing faith brought me to a different understanding of forgiveness without the lens of religion and scripture.
If I do not believe that Jesus is the son of god….
If I do not hold the bible as a guide to ultimate truth and life…
God’s existence is not an essential element to my life…
What shape does forgiveness take in this new narrative?
“I don’t want a seat at the table of the oppressor. I want a blanket and pillow down by the ocean. I want to rest.” -Tricia Hersey, quoted by Black Liturgies (4/21/24)
In a post-faith narrative, we understand that the weight of forgiving and reconciling is carried by the oppressed, the abused, the rejected, and the harmed.
I remember my fractured relationships and how often Christian people sent letters and emails, memos, and even pamphlets on forgiveness and reconciliation as a biblical mandate - while ignoring the very real harm and abuse I endured in the places I vacated. They expected that they had earned the right to my forgiveness. It was something they were owed.
How do we reshape the truth of forgiveness without the godslobber?
The only forgiveness I have known in faith circles is that which sets a victim across the table from their abuser where they are forced to hear, accept an apology, and then take steps to walk out reconciliation in Jesus’ name.
The burden of forgiving sexual assault, emotional abuse, domestic violence, spiritual violence, white supremacy, racism, homophobia, pedophilia, bigotry, misogyny, patriarchy, and more… falls to the oppressed, the hurting, the violated, the forgotten, the forsaken, the rejected and blamed.
And in Christian narratives - that forgiveness is just a given. It’s what needs to be done and what should be done because the father god did this for his people. It’s become a flippant reaction to very real harm without reparations or consequences or people making what they have done to others right.
We are expected to come together again, return as prodigal daughters and sons - ignoring the very real pain because time has passed. And for some of us the “father’s house” isn’t safe anymore.
Four Things I’ve Learned About Forgiveness Without Godslobber
Time does not heal all wounds - if someone walks back into your life, or brings up harm they caused you years later with an expectation that you are “over it” - they do not get to dictate your healing and whether or not you have let things go. You can hold whatever you need to hold until the day you die. You do not owe your abusers anything. You don’t owe them a conversation. See #3.
Forgiveness is not some badge of honor that makes one person better than another. They don’t get to wave that forgiveness flag as if they are above you in maturity and spiritual depth. Sometimes their forgiveness flag is a fraudulent pageant. Cue the marching band.
Some wounds are a fatal hit - and no amount of talking it out or forgiving will restore a relationship or repair the harm that has been done. Anyone who stands with those who made the fatal blow is also not worthy of access to your life. You are not stuck for being unable to forgive - you are simply refusing to hold to old patterns of thinking about what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is not letting it go. It’s defined however you choose to define it. And sometimes you just hold the damn grudge - because no one is really all that sorry.
Reparations are required when harm has been done. We miss this step always. Making it right requires an accounting of the harm and a “payment.” Reparations are due whether forgiveness is extended or not. We owe for the harm we cause - we are not owed.
On the other side of deconstructing, I find forgiveness to be a load of godslobber. It is used as a tool of compliance and a measure of spiritual rightness when it isn’t anyone’s business how you do or do not walk out your pain.
My name is Jessica - sometimes I am bitter and unforgiving and hold grudges. Sometimes I remember what has been said and what has been done. I recall those fatal wounds. I give those wounds space because they shaped me and often they defined me. They certainly defined who I give space in my life. It is not my job to make my story and pain more palatable for the abusers and voyeurs of my life. I remember what people have shown me about who they are and I believe them. This is not an example of me being stuck or being unable to let things go…that is me living in our shared reality.
None of this has anything to do with the god narrative. This is my narrative.
J.